YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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