I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
