Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
