Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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