I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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