Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
