God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Non-Jews are for practice
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
