I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
