we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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