Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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