I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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