pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
