Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
