i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
