You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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