I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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