wanna go halves on a baby?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
