All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
