Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
