I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
