she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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