Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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