im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
