Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
