god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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