when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
