dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
