What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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