last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
