Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize