My underwear smells like fireworks.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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