he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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