OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
