Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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