lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
