We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
