At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
