oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So here I am, sexting at work.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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