Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
