Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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