I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
