we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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