he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
