She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
