I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
