It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
