Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize