I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It's never too late to be topless.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
