Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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