We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
