if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
