i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
