I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
