Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
