I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
