I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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