We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
