Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
