so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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