The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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